| (The usual corner of the Mason's Arms. Arthur, as always, is reading.) | |
| Gordon | What's that you're reading? |
| Arthur | It's called "The Martial Law Survival Guide." |
| Gordon | I don't think Gordon Brown that desperate. Well, not yet. |
| Arthur | No, no. I'm preparing for the state of emergency which will arise when |
| the Americans take over the planet. | |
| Gordon | Didn't they already do that? |
| Arthur | Well politically, yes. I'm getting ready for the coming global geophysical crisis. |
| Gordon | I hadn't heard about that. They don't write and tell me things any more. |
| Arthur | I hate to tell you this, Gordon. But we're all doomed. |
| Gordon | Are we? Should I get another couple of pints in? |
| Arthur | There's this volcano in Washington state. Mount St Helens. And Thelma says that when it next… |
| you know… erupts… there will be world-wide chaos and catastrophe, and the governments of | |
| the world will all impose martial law, and people like you and me will be all be put up against | |
| a wall and shot. | |
| Gordon | Ri-i-ight… |
| Arthur | She says it's one of the disasters prophesied by Nostradamus. |
| Gordon | Mind you, she said Nostradamus prophesised disaster when your Nigel got married. |
| Arthur | Yes.. but that was a disaster. |
| Gordon | I can't quite see how he'd know five hundred years ago that your Nigel would run off with the |
| pizza delivery girl at the wedding reception. | |
| Arthur | There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Gordon… |
| Gordon | I suppose it worked out all right in the end. And she did have extra topping. All right, but what's |
| this volcano got to do with us? I mean… Washington state. It's hardly down the end of the | |
| road, is it? | |
| Arthur | It's not just a volcano -- it's a supervolcano. It might even destroy the whole of America. |
| Gordon | Ah… so not all bad news, then? |
| Arthur | The whole planet could be affected. It's not just a little local calamity. We're facing destruction |
| on a planetary scale. The super-volcano will shoot out hot lava and rocks and stuff seventy- | |
| five miles high. Seventy-five miles. And the ash will block out the sun for… oh, years. The | |
| temperature of the planet will plummet. We could face another Ice-Age. | |
| Gordon | Well… that should help with global warming. |
| Arthur | It's nothing to joke about, Gordon. I mean, we're talking about a crisis here. Something needs to |
| be done, and done quickly. | |
| Gordon | Yes…. so when is this going to happen, this global destruction? |
| Arthur | Any time in the next three million years. |
| Gordon | Ah… |
| Arthur | So you see, don't you, we have to be prepared for this. Because in the wake of the explosion, |
| there will be famine, and drought and social upheaval. | |
| Gordon | A-weeping and a-wailing and a-gnashing of teeth. |
| Arthur | Precisely. |
| Gordon | Not your Thelma, of course, 'cos she hasn't got any teeth. |
| Arthur | No. |
| Gordon | So what action is the government taking? |
| Arthur | You can't rely on the government. They're politicians. They'd bungle it. |
| Gordon | Of course. |
| Arthur | Besides, the government will all be cowering in this massive underground citadel they've built, |
| under the Mall. | |
| Gordon | Q Whitehall. |
| Arthur | Exactly, Q Whitehall. At the first sign of trouble, they'll be down there like rats in a sewer. |
| Gordon | (Alarmed) My God, we don't want that. |
| Arthur | No. |
| Gordon | I mean, they might breed down there. Imagine hundreds of little Hazel Blears, running about |
| and minding everyone's business. | |
| Arthur | No, it'll be up to the private citizen to ensure personal survival. And that's why I'm taking a |
| series of measures to make sure Thelma and I come through unscathed. | |
| Gordon | So what are you going to do? |
| Arthur | Well, for a start, I'm going to fill the bath with water. |
| Gordon | Really? I hadn't realised you'd go that far. |
| Arthur | Desperate times call for desperates measures. |
| Gordon | Yes. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you do that every week or so anyway. |
| Arthur | This will be for drinking. |
| Gordon | I don't like the sound of that -- drinking your own bath-water. |
| Arthur | No this will be drinking water. In times to come, we won't be able to waste water on personal |
| hygiene. No, this will be for emergency use, for… you know… when the reservoirs dry up, and | |
| nothing comes out of the taps, and that's when they'll introduce martial law. | |
| Gordon | Can they do that? I mean, I know Thames Water can enter your home without askingh, but -- |
| Arthur | No, the government. |
| Gordon | Sorry -- I thought, in this scenario, they were all keeping their heads down and breeding under |
| the Mall. | |
| Arthur | And of course, I'll have to buy a gun. Several guns. |
| Gordon | Sorry, I -- I don't follow. |
| Arthur | Because there'll be social unrest. Mobs of starving people, rioting in the streets. There'll be a |
| massive crime wave. Vandalism… hooliganism... | |
| Gordon | All foretold by Nostradamus. |
| Arthur | And I'll need a gun, to protect Thelma. |
| Gordon | Who from? |
| Arthur | I'll need to keep her safe from sexual predators. |
| Gordon | I would've thought she was already fairly safe. |
| Arthur | The police force will be powerless to stop it. |
| Gordon | So… much like today, then. |
| Arthur | And there'll be an enormous increase in the number of burglaries. |
| Gordon | People trying to steal your bath-water. |
| Arthur | Exactly. I'll need some method of keeping them -- you know -- at bay. |
| Gordon | Not having a bath should do that. |
| Arthur | You can scoff, Gordon, but I'm trying to address a problem. If I hear an intruder trying to force |
| the lock on the French windows -- I'll give him one warning -- | |
| Gordon | Do you feel lucky, punk? |
| Arthur | -- and if he ignores it, then -- bang! He'll be blown away. |
| Gordon | I'm pretty sure there's a bye-law against that. |
| Arthur | I don't care. Because in that situation, I'll be the law. You were quoting Dirty Harry? |
| Gordon | I was. |
| Arthur | Meet Dirty Arthur. |
| Gordon | Anyway… where are you going to buy a gun? They're not exactly easy to come by. |
| (A pause while Arthur thinks.) | |
| Arthur | Halford's. |
| Gordon | You can't go to Halfords. |
| Arthur | Why not? |
| Gordon | Because they're absolutely useless. The assistants are all about fifteen with terminal acne. |
| And what are you going to say? | |
| Arthur | Well I'll say -- I want to buy the latest Kalashnikof. |
| Gordon | And they'll say -- wait here while we fetch the rozzers. So what else are you planning? |
| Arthur | Well --we'll start hoarding food and other provisions. |
| Gordon | Oh yes? In the spare bedroom, that sort of thing? |
| Arthur | No… we'll be constructing a blast-proof underground bunker. |
| Gordon | That's going to be enormously hard work, isn't it? |
| Arthur | It has to be done, Gordon. Nothing is worth anything without personal sacrifice and suffering, |
| toil and pain. Thelma's starting the dig tonight. | |
| Gordon | You're not -- er -- taking part in that? |
| Arthur | Well, I would. Obviously I would. But I've still got this back trouble… And besides, there's |
| all the planning to be done. | |
| Gordon | It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it. So where is this bunker? |
| Arthur | Down at the allotments. |
| Gordon | The Council are going to notice her digging aren't they? |
| Arthur | And that's why she'll be digging by night. Because the Council won't be watching the allotments |
| by night. | |
| Gordon | They'll be out pubbing and clubbing, will they? And spending the ratepayers' money. |
| Arthur | She'll dig by night, and then… on her way home in the morning… she'll release all the dirt she's |
| hidden in her slacks. | |
| Gordon | Right… well, I can see you've put a lot of thought into this. |
| Arthur | Thinking ahead -- that's the secret. Because it could be me and Thelma who prove to be the |
| last two survivors of the human race. | |
| Gordon | Oh right. Because of course, it'll be down to the two of you repopulate the planet. |
| (A pause.) | |
| Arthur | I hadn't thought of that. |
| Gordon | Or were you planning to let the sexual predators do that? |
| Arthur | I may need to re-think parts of the plan. |
| Gordon | Have to stay flexible. |
| Arthur | Indeed. But the important thing, of course, is that even as the red-hot volcanic ash rains down |
| from the skies… | |
| Gordon | … and the molten lava inches its way up the front path… |
| Arthur | … the really crucial thing -- is not to panic. Shall we have another? |
| Gordon | Good idea. Cheers! |
| © Leonard Morley 2009 | |