| (July 2009: An NHS pamphlet called "Pleasure" advocates "an orgasm a day" for | |
| teenagers, perhaps by masturbation a few times a week.) | |
| (Gordon and Arthur sit as usual at the pub table. Arthur has paused, pint glass halfway to | |
| his mouth, staring ahead in a trance, a newspaper in the other hand.) | |
| Gordon | You're far away, Arthur. (Pause.) Arthur? (He passes a hand in front of |
| Arthurs eyes. He comes to with a start.) | |
| Arthur | Sorry… I was miles away. |
| Gordon | Anything particular on your mind? |
| Arthur | I was thinking… well to be perfectly frank… (He looks round) … I was thinking about |
| masturbation. | |
| Gordon | (Worried at this.) Were you? |
| Arthur | It's a very good way of relieving the stresses of modern life. |
| Gordon | I'm sure, yes. I just don't think the landlord of the Mason's Arms will stand for it. |
| Arthur | I'm talking about this NHS pamphlet that's quoted in the paper. Called "Pleasure". It's aimed |
| at teenagers. | |
| Gordon | Advising them to cut it out? |
| Arthur | No, recommending it. They suggest doing it two to three times a week. |
| Gordon | So just cutting down on it then. Why are they doing this? |
| Arthur | Well, they say it promotes better sexual health, and better health in general. They reckon it |
| reduces tension. | |
| Gordon | Acts as a safety valve… |
| Arthur | Yes. And it's good every now and then… you know… to have a -- a clear-out. |
| Gordon | A clear-out? Oh, yes, of old stock… |
| Arthur | Discontinued lines, yes. And then stoking up production in the old sperm factory. |
| Gordon | Reloading the gun, so to speak. |
| Arthur | Yes. |
| Gordon | Yes…. So this is just for teenage boys? |
| Arthur | No, no… it's not just us chaps. It's women too. |
| Gordon | Women? |
| Arthur | Apparently, one or two of them tried it… several centuries ago -- no-one we know, obviously -- |
| women can't do it… | |
| Gordon | That's why God made washing machines. |
| Arthur | Precisely. |
| (They drink. Gordon takes the paper.) | |
| Arthur | They used to say it made you go blind. |
| Gordon | Hang on, just got to find my reading glasses. |
| (He perches them on his nose and reads.) | |
| Gordon | Says here…masturbation is patriotic. |
| Arthur | How do they make that out? |
| Gordon | Well, apparently, it's good for general health. |
| Arthur | Good news for doctors then. And hospitals. |
| Gordon | Well, I s'pose. More beds available, certainly. |
| Arthur | Which should lead to a reduction in operating costs. |
| Gordon | And that should mean the Chancellor will be able to lower the tax burden. |
| Arthur | Which would stimulate the entire economy. |
| Gordon | And if that's not patriotic, I don't know what is. |
| Arthur | Everyone should stand erect for the country. |
| Gordon | Exactly. Cheers. |
| Arthur | Good health. |
| (They drink. ) | |
| Arthur | Apparently in Texas, you can get lessons in it. |
| Gordon | God Almighty, only the bloody Americans would need lessons. |
| Arthur | And they're the biggest wankers on the planet. |
| Gordon | (Reading) In Britain, a Conservative spokesman thought it was sinful. |
| He was being interviewed behind the bike sheds. | |
| Arthur | And the Liberals? |
| Gordon | They want to make it compulsory. |
| Arthur | I bet the Labour lot reckon it's okay. |
| Gordon | They do, yes. But they're thinking of ways to tax it. |
| Arthur | You think Gordon Brown's latched onto the idea? |
| Gordon | I think it's something he might have in hand, certainly. |
| Arthur | How about the Catholics? |
| Gordon | Oh, completely against. |
| Arthur | Why? |
| Gordon | Because they're Catholics. Because they couldn't cope with the loss of that wonderful |
| feeling… | |
| Arthur | Of orgasm… |
| Gordon | No, no. Of guilt. As long as it's forbidden, the pleasure is doubled. |
| Arthur | And how's the Archbishop of Canterbury -- what's his view? |
| Gordon | Doesn't say… I don't suppose he's ever done it. |
| Arthur | Oh, he's the one? I knew there'd be at least one person. |
| Gordon | Yes, because however we all protest our innocence, the fact is that we've all done it, at |
| some time. | |
| Arthur | Yes… even royalty, politicians, pop-stars… the Muppets… |
| Gordon | D'you mind if I don't think about that? |
| (Arthur takes the paper back.) | |
| Arthur | Well like it says here -- its natural… it's an animal act. |
| Gordon | And we're animals. |
| Arthur | And all sorts of other animals do the same, you know. It's not just us. Apes, and horses and |
| dolphins. | |
| Gordon | Not -- Black Beauty? |
| Arthur | And Flipper. That's why every scene took fifteen takes. |
| Gordon | Flipper? |
| Arthur | Especially when he co-starred with the Muppets. Well, I think this report has got it right. It |
| may go against the grain with some of us older ones, but in the long run…. | |
| Gordon | The younger generation will be better informed. .. |
| Arthur | And the world will be a better place. |
| Gordon | Thank God for this report, tipping teenagers off about it. |
| Arthur | Yes. Because otherwise… you know... they might never have thought of it for themselves. |
| (They drain their glasses.) | |
| Gordon | Another round? |
| Arthur | No, I think I'll just… go and lie down in my room, for a while. |
| Gordon | Yes, me too. |
| (Lights fade.) | |
| © Leonard Morley 2009 |