| (Arthur and Gordon are talking in the pub, with the earnestness and solemnity that can | |
| be achieved only by two middle-aged Englishment, who have no earthly idea what they're | |
| talking about.) | |
| Arthur | How's Bridget? |
| Gordon | Not too good, not too good. She's got this leg, you know. |
| Arthur | Has she? |
| Gordon | She's had it before, but it's back. |
| Arthur | Has she seen a doctor? |
| Gordon | No, no. Bridget doesn't believe in doctors. |
| Arthur | But she believes in Santa Claus. And Fairies. |
| Gordon | True, true. |
| Arthur | And the Conservative party. |
| Gordon | Well, a lot of them are fairies. No, I mean…. She doesn't believe in their methods of treatment. |
| She thinks they rely too heavily on drugs. | |
| Arthur | Curse of our times. |
| Gordon | Well exactly. |
| Arthur | If you remember, my Thelma was main-lining on Rennies for years. |
| Gordon | So she's been seeing this chiropractor chap… |
| Arthur | Remind me what that is. |
| Gordon | It involves the laying-on of hands. |
| Arthur | Your Bridget was always keen on that. |
| Gordon | When she was younger, yes. He's a mobile practitioner… comes round in his van. He's |
| prescribed a course of tablets, and several weeks of manipulation up in the bedroom. | |
| Arthur | And why's that? |
| Gordon | Well, he's trying to localise it -- find the source of the trouble. |
| Arthur | Is he? |
| Gordon | Starting with her feet and then... gradually… you know… |
| Arthur | … working his way up…. |
| Gordon | … until he gets to the bottom of it. |
| Arthur | And is it working? |
| Gordon | Hard to say… he was upstairs with her for hours. |
| Arthur | Has it made any difference? |
| Gordon | Well, she's been up and down. |
| Arthur | This is on the NHS? |
| Gordon | If only it were. No, it's private. Costs a fortune. Bridget reckons she'll have to draw in her horns. |
| Arthur | Her what? |
| Gordon | Her horns. |
| Arthur | Those tablets really have made a difference. |
| (A pause while they drink.) | |
| Arthur | Are you sure this chap's not some sort of quack? |
| Gordon | Well, no, I shouldn't think so. Bridget says he's got a certificate. |
| Arthur | Oh well. If he's got a certificate. |
| Gordon | Apparently he went through an intensive period of training…. |
| Arthur | Really? |
| Gordon | … over several weekends, yes. |
| Arthur | Of course, alternative medicine is all the rage these days. |
| Gordon | I don't know if I believe all this alternative stuff, you know. Sticking needles in yourself and |
| so on. | |
| Arthur | Some people swear by it. |
| Gordon | One of my female ancestors was a fore-runner in the field of medicine. But if she'd |
| advocated that, she'd've been burned at the stake. Actually, she was burned | |
| at the stake. | |
| Arthur | Thelma has flirted with it for years. She tried this course of Mind-Body healing. |
| Gordon | Didn't work out? |
| Arthur | Well, it turned out that she didn't -- you know -- |
| Gordon | Have a mind… |
| Arthur | No…. then she was into Shiatsu. |
| Gordon | That's a dog, surely. |
| Arthur | Then it was that rogering psychotherapy. |
| Gordon | Rogerian. |
| Arthur | Is it? Is it? She says it will help her to achieve personal growth. |
| Gordon | Surely, um -- I don't want to be rude, Arthur -- but hasn't your Thelma already achieved |
| enough personal growth? | |
| Arthur | And then there was Rolfing. |
| Gordon | Sorry, there's what-ing? |
| Arthur | Rolf, rolf. |
| Gordon | Now that is a dog. Wasn't he one of the Muppets? |
| (They drink again.) | |
| Bridget tried the old -- you know -- colonic irrigation. | |
| Arthur | With beneficial results? |
| Gordon | Not really. She sat in the bath, turned on the taps and totally lost control of the garden |
| hose. | |
| Arthur | Not to be recommended, then. |
| Gordon | Well, she's always been her own worst enema. |
| Arthur | So you've not tried any form of alternative medicine? |
| Gordon | Good God no. I visit the quack every so often, and he reassures me I'm not going to die -- |
| well not this week -- and that's it. I mean, I do have my worries. I'm not in the first flush of | |
| youth -- | |
| Arthur | Or even the second. |
| Gordon | I find that after a hard day of sitting in here, seven days a week, I'm experiencing all kinds of |
| problems. | |
| Arthur | Well, that's odd, that, because I'm finding just the same. |
| Gordon | Difficulties with your sense of balance at the end of the day? |
| Arthur | Yes. And very often, there's a slight nausea. Coupled with occasional speech difficulties. |
| Gordon | Think we should consult Doctor Patel? He's quick on the draw with a prescription pad. |
| Arthur | I think we should go the alternative route. There's only one thing that can cure those |
| symptoms. | |
| Gordon | Exactly… another pint of therapy. Down the hatch! |
| Arthur | Good health. |
| (They drink up as the lights dim.) | |
| © Leonard Morley 2009 |