Joe		You ready for that cuddle now?
Lizzy		Yesss.....  Close your eyes...
		(Joe closes his eyes and puckers up. Lizzy rolls a newspaper
		and clouts him with it.)
Joe		What was that for?
Lizzy		Daily Mail -- Randy Rocker and the Boob Babe.  (Hits him.)
		(Joe backs around the flat, and Lizzy pursues him with the papers.)
		The Sun -- The Weeble and the Wobble. (Hits him.)
Joe		Ow!
Lizzy		Oh, I'm sorry. Did that hurt?
Joe		Yes, it bloody did.
Lizzy		Good!  (She hits him again.)  The Sport -- Luscious Lucy loves
		Weebles Willy!
Joe		Will you stop doing that!  What's this all about?
Lizzy		What you've always wanted to be, Joe -- front-page news.
		"Latest romance to hit town features Weebles guitarist, Joe Parkes
		(59),  here caught snuggling up to 17 year sex bomb Lucy Forbes
		at Stringfellows."
Joe		Oh my God!
Lizzy		"The couple smooched on a tour of local nightspots,  Lucy showing
		off her --  40-22-36 figure?"   That's not possible.  She'd fall over.
Joe		It's all coming back...
Lizzy		"Meanwhile, what of the aging rocker's long-time love Lizzy Malone?"
Joe		Aging rocker?  Aging?
Lizzy		"Flat-chested Lizzy, whose bras are purely for ornamental purposes,
		languishes alone at home, obviously not fully abreast of
		developments." (She clouts him again. Joe takes the papers
		away from her.  She picks up the book as a replacement.)
		And they all have this picture of you with your head down her
		dress.   She's pretty, and shapely and young.  Oooh, I could
		hit her!  (She hits him again.)
Joe		It's not what you think.
Lizzy		Not what  I think, or not what I think you think I think?
Joe		Pardon?
Lizzy		Is it true?  You're having an affair with this --  this mutant?
Joe		Look --
Lizzy		Is it?
Joe		No!
Lizzy		You have twenty seconds to convince me before I fetch the
		meat cleaver.
Joe		Look, we met at the studio's -- her father owns them!  Can you
		imagine?  He owns the recording company!  He owns three
		radio stations, eleven newspapers, about a zillion other
		companies --
Lizzy		And a partridge in a pear tree.
Joe		In a roundabout way, he owns us. He owns the Weebles.
		He's a big man in the music business.  I can't afford to offend
		him.
Lizzy		I think you may have offended him now.
Joe		But she just tagged along and then suggested dinner --
Lizzy		And what else did she suggest?  Miss Cleavage 2008+C82?
Joe		Nothing!  Well, we did go on to a night-club.  Or two.
		Sort of... lost track of time.
Lizzy		And your trousers.
Joe		She was a real bore, if you really want to know.  She spent
		most of the time talking about Daddy, and how she was
		going to release her first album.
Lizzy		Thanks for the mammaries?
Joe		She sort of -- took me under her wing.
Lizzy		Oh, those things are wings?
Joe		It's not how it looks.  Nothing happened.
Lizzie		Your nose happened in her cleavage  Any further and she'd
		be breast feeding you!
Joe		You think I enjoyed that?
Lizzy		There is more silicone in this girl's tits than on Brighton Beach!
Joe		No there isn't.  It's all real.  So I'm... given to understand.
		It's jealousy again, isn't it?  That's why I'm getting the hard
		time.
Lizzy		Jealousy?
Joe		It's not just that I took a girl out to dinner.  In a perfectly innocent
		way.  You're jealous that she's got your share.
Lizzy		She's got everybody's share!   And I'm not jealous.  Just --
		-- amazed she can support the weight without her spine snapping.
Joe		No, she's got this specially made bra that --
Lizzy		I don't want to know!
Joe		Look -- there were some of the paparazzi about.  She just grabbed
		my head and pulled me down against her. Click, bang, wallop,
		what a picture.  Then I hit the photographer, he hit me, and we all
		got thrown out
Lizzy		So this picture of you burying your head in -- in Silicone Valley --
		you didn't enjoy it?
Joe		Enjoy it?  God, no!  How could I enjoy a thing like that?
		No, I'm lying, I did enjoy it.  But that's all there was to it.
Lizzy		I wish I could believe you.
Joe		On my mother's grave...
Lizzy		Your mother is alive and well and living in Swindon.
Joe		Yeah, but she's booked the plot.  (Pause.) Is there anything to eat?
Lizzy		No!   All right, let's drop it.  But if it turns out to be true, I'm
		out of here, Joe.
Joe		What are you saying?
Lizzy		I mean I'm leaving.  Been thinking it about it a lot lately.
Joe		Really?  Why?
Lizzy		Well let's face it, life hasn't been much fun.
Joe		Hasn't it?   You can't leave me.
Lizzy		Why not?
Joe		Nobody else'd have you.
Lizzy		Denzil would. Denzil's always fancied me.
Joe		What, Denzil at the night-club?  Bouncer Denzil?  Thick Denzil?
Lizzy		He's not thick.  Not always.
Joe		He time-shares a brain cell with three other bouncers.
Lizzy		He told me he loved me.
Joe		He's always saying he loves people. He said it to me once.
Lizzy		At least he asked me to marry him.  You never have.
Joe		Ugh!  Marriage.... Scary
Lizzy		Certainly would be to you.
Joe		We always said we didn't need a licence.
Lizzy		One of us did.
Joe		Are you saying that all this time you've wanted a church wedding?
Lizzy		No... yes... I don't know!
Joe		I think I should have words with Denzil.  Teach him to mess with
		my bird.
Lizzy		Are you saying you'd fight him for me?
Joe		Are you mad?  He kill me.
Lizzy		You used to say you'd die for me.
Joe		Only if I could be around afterwards.  Anyway, you didn't
		accept him, did you?
Lizzy		And what would you have done if I had?  Turned up at the wedding
		and made a scene?  Clung to the church windows like Dustin
		Hoffman in The Graduate?
Joe		Not if I have to sleep with your mother.  Oh, is there anything to eat?