| |
| | (Two middle-aged Northern women are chatting, holding a lurid paperback. Outwardly grim- |
| | faced, though who knows what passions bubble under the surface?) |
| | |
| Edna | So… did you read that book? |
| Lilian | The one you found in your Douglas's shed? I had… a casual glance. |
| Edna | And… |
| Lilian | And what? |
| Edna | What did you think? |
| Lilian | Filth. Sheer filth. |
| Edna | That's what I thought. |
| Lilian | Total depravity. |
| Edna | Shouldn't be allowed, that sort of thing. |
| Lilian | Better off burned, I'd say. |
| Edna | I'd better put it back before he misses it. |
| Lilian | I haven't finished it yet. |
| | |
| | (A pause.) |
| | |
| Edna | Some of the things they got up to -- well! |
| Lilian | Ooh… that bit with the -- you know… |
| Edna | Oh! You mean when they were in the middle of the… |
| Lilian | Right in front of everyone! |
| Edna | Filth. |
| Lilian | I had to read it twice before I believed me eyes. Actually, I thought of showing it to 'im indoors. |
| | Might get a reaction. |
| Edna | Your Stan still off sex, is he? |
| Lilian | I'd get more reaction from the headboard. |
| Edna | Still… you always said he were never that -- talented -- in bed. |
| Lilian | Apart from dribbling and farting. |
| Edna | They're all good at that. It's in the chromosomes. |
| Lilian | Never exactly an animal, my Stan. (Pause.) A very small rodent, maybe. |
| Edna | The Viagra didn't work, then? |
| Lilian | Made his hair stand on end. |
| Edna | Have you tried -- turning him on? Doing sommat special? |
| Lilian | I've tried the lot. I wore this basque for him. |
| Edna | You didn't? |
| Lilian | I did. Hoping it would inflame his passions. Scarlet, it was, wi' black edging. |
| Edna | Didn't work? |
| Lilian | He didn't hardly notice. |
| Edna | Oh dear. |
| Lilian | Total waste of time knitting it. |
| | |
| | (Slight pause.) |
| | |
| Edna | Sex is over-rated anyway. Give me a good recipe any day. |
| Lilian | Don't you ever dream about… you know? |
| Edna | Judging by the look on your face, I should hope I don't know. |
| Lilian | Nights of passion… under the stars… with a secret lover. |
| Edna | You've been overdosing on Mills and Boon again. |
| Lilian | I just think… there must be more to it than this. |
| Edna | Didn't you once have a fling with that transvestite? The one in Tram Street? |
| Lilian | I've told you a thousand times, he weren't a transvestite. He were a traveller in women's |
| | under-garments. |
| Edna | Sounds the same to me. |
| Lilian | And no, I didn't have a fling. Mind you, it weren't for lack of him trying. |
| Edna | Dark hair, as I recall. |
| Lilian | He were Welsh, though it seems a hard thing to say about anyone. |
| Edna | Someone has to be. |
| Lilian | Dai the drawers they called him. |
| Edna | So you never -- you know -- gave yourself to him? |
| Lilian | I wanted to. He had these dark, deep, mysterious eyes -- I found out later one was glass. |
| | And he'd look at me -- in that way -- and I'd just melt inside. |
| Edna | But you never -- I mean, you didn't -- |
| Lilian | Something always held me back. |
| Edna | Thinking of your Stan… |
| Lilian | Were I hell as like. I were thinking of me Mum and Dad. |
| Edna | Your Mum and Dad? |
| Lilian | I couldn't escape me upbringing. |
| Edna | I don't follow. |
| Lilian | You remember, when we was girls? You'd be home fifteen seconds late and your Dad'd be |
| | pacing the floor. What time d'you call this then, lass? |
| Edna | Oh, I remember. |
| Lilian | And your Mum'd cross-examine you about where you'd been, and what you'd done? |
| Edna | And who you'd done it with… |
| Lilian | Aye, and frisk you for love bites. |
| Edna | And they'd make you wear knickers with industrial strength elastic. |
| Lilian | Chastity belts weren't in it. |
| Edna | Take your fingers off, getting past them. |
| Lilian | So while Dai the drawers was trying to worm his evil way into my affections -- |
| Edna | And past your elastic. |
| Lilian | -- all this stuff were going through me head. What will Mum and Dad say when I get home? |
| | I never gave Stan a thought. |
| | |
| | (They sigh.) |
| | |
| Lilian | It's so difficult to escape your upbringing. |
| Edna | Not like her in that mucky book. |
| Lilian | She were no better than she should be. |
| Edna | Whatever that means. |
| | |
| | (The following rises slowly to an orgasmic crescendo.) |
| | |
| Lilian | She were just a shameless hussy. |
| Edna | A wanton |
| Lilian | All restraint gone. |
| Edna | Every vestige of decency thrown to the winds. |
| Lilian | Spinning remorselessly out of control… |
| Edna | Adrift on a heaving ocean of lust… |
| Lilian | At the mercy of the rising… the rising… tide… |
| Edna | Rising, yes… |
| Lilian | Only to be sucked down -- |
| Edna | Down and down -- |
| Lilian | Into the bottomless pit… |
| Edna | Down onto that undersea volcano that boils in the hidden depths. |
| Lilian | Depths… |
| Edna | Into a welter of depravity and endless -- animal -- gratification… |
| Lilian | A shameless quest for sheer sensual pleasure… |
| Edna | Every nerve-ending screaming out for release. |
| Lilian | Lost in a frenzy of lust which left them gasping for air -- |
| Edna | Until the volcano erupts -- in one last titanic explosion -- |
| Lilian | The molten lava bursting forth! |
| Edna | Throbbing… |
| Lilian | Pulsating… |
| Edna | Yes! |
| Lilian | Yes! Yes! |
| Both | Yessssssssss. |
| | |
| | (A pause while they relax, totally drained.) |
| | |
| Edna | So… put it back in the shed, then? |
| Lilian | I should think so. |
| Edna | Cigarette? |
| Lilian | Yes, why not? |
| | |
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| | |
| | © Leonard Morley 2009 |
