| (Gordon is reading his newspaper, but Arthur is sat silently, glowering, his pint untouched, | |
| whilst Gordon's is nearly gone.) | |
| Gordon | All right. What is it? |
| Arthur | Nothing. |
| Gordon | No, that's what women say. Usually with a toss of the head. You haven't said a word in ten |
| minures. | |
| Arthur | I'm alright. |
| Gordon | And you haven't touched your beer. So either tell me or ring the quack and tell him you're |
| ill. | |
| Arthur | Well… |
| Gordon | Yes? Well…? |
| Arthur | Thelma was all a-tremble at breakfast. |
| Gordon | She spends her life being all a-tremble. What about? |
| Arthur | She was just sitting down for breakfast when she suddenly swallowed a fly. Not a pleasant |
| experience. | |
| Gordon | Nor for the fly, of course. |
| Arthur | You don't understand -- Thelma's recently embraced vegetarianism. |
| Gordon | Has she? |
| Arthur | Been on this diet for the last fortnight. Stuck to it rigidly, and then -- suddenly -- bam! |
| Gordon | An unexpected meat ration. So what's brought her to this? Your Thelma's always enjoyed |
| her food. | |
| Arthur | She's determined to lose width. |
| Gordon | You mean weight? |
| Arthur | That too. But width mainly. She's now officially over a yard wide. |
| Gordon | She's never worried before. |
| Arthur | She's never been stuck in the turnstiles at Richmond before. |
| Gordon | Ah… So that's why she was all a-tremble. |
| Arthur | Not completely. We had a row, too. |
| Gordon | Oh dear. Come on, then. Tell all to your uncle Gordon. |
| Arthur | I don't know what breakfast is like in your house -- |
| Gordon | Very quiet, very quiet. There's only one of us there at a time. |
| Arthur | Really… |
| Gordon | What with Bridget staying out till all hours and not getting up until eleven, by which time -- |
| Arthur | You're on your way to the pub, yes. Well we always -- you know -- start the day together. As a |
| couple. Breaking our fast. | |
| Gordon | Right. |
| Arthur | Well when I said Thelma had embraced this diet, p'raps I should have said "we". |
| Gordon | Ah… togetherness. |
| Arthur | We used to breakfast like proper English people -- crispy bacon, fried bread, scrambled eggs, |
| and if it was a special occasion, maybe a sausage or two. | |
| Gordon | You left out the baked beans. |
| Arthur | That too. That's what English people are used to. It's traditional. It's what's made us what we |
| are. It's the reason we go on holiday to Greece. Traditional English breakfast. Do you know | |
| what Thelma served up this morning? Hummus and avacado on toast. | |
| Gordon | You could have the police on her for that. |
| Arthur | Look -- look -- (He delves in his pocket for a crumpled piece of paper). Tomorrow's breakfast |
| menu -- crispy tofu and tomato bagel. | |
| Gordon | It's like a foreign language. |
| Arthur | (Reading) Toasted organic bagel topped with baby spinach leaves, griddled tomatoes, |
| crispy tofu nuggets, alfalfa sprouts, and tamari roasted seeds. | |
| Gordon | Well, that's cleared that up. |
| Arthur | It's just ludicrous. Feeding a man on that. I barely had the strength to walk to the pub. |
| Gordon | Well, as I see it, Arthur, there's only one thing you can do. |
| Arthur | Exactly. Divorce. |
| Gordon | Well I was thinking of the café down the road, but that would work too. |
| Arthur | I'm beginning to despair. |
| Gordon | Have you put your point of view to Thelma? |
| Arthur | Yes, I have. Forcibly. I told her I wasn't going to put up with this -- this crap. |
| Gordon | You've always been a bit of a diplomat. Did it work? |
| Arthur | No. She threw it at me. Then she said that if I wanted the usual English breakfast, I could cook |
| it myself. | |
| Gordon | Is that a problem? |
| Arthur | Yes! I only know how to eat it. We're talking about acquiring a whole new set of skills. At my |
| time of life. | |
| Gordon | So you haven't actually had any breakfast… |
| Arthur | No. I'm starving. |
| Gordon | There weren't any more flies? |
| Arthur | Sadly, no. And she keeps going on about my health. English breakfast bad -- veggie burgers |
| on rye bread good. | |
| Gordon | To be fair, Arthur, all the experts seem to agree that a veggie diet is better for your health. |
| Arthur | Well I like sitting down to a nice plate of dead animal. |
| Gordon | Apparently the veggie way… you know… can extend your life-span. |
| Arthur | But they don't really know, do they? It's all statistical. And these experts don't seem to live |
| any longer than the rest of us. And do you know what she had the cheek to tell me? | |
| Gordon | Not yet, no. |
| Arthur | She was telling me about famous people who are vegetarian. And the list included Lisa |
| Lisa Simpson. | |
| Gordon | Um… small girl, frizzy hair, bad case of jaundice… |
| Arthur | I am eating bloody avocado on toast for breakfast, because that's what a fictional cartoon |
| character would have! | |
| Gordon | Well I know for a fact that she's been the same size for years. It's stunted her growth. |
| Arthur | If these health nuts could guarantee that we'd -- you know -- live for ever, and all be still around |
| in a thousand years… well, maybe I'd go for it. | |
| Gordon | You wouldn't want that either. A thousand years from now, and Gordon Brown still in change? |
| Arthur | That's right. Still unable to close his mouth properly. |
| Gordon | And he's eaten flies for breakfast for years. Come on, drink up. We're off. |
| Arthur | Where are we going? |
| Gordon | The café down the road. My treat. |
| Arthur | Thankyou very much. I thought you'd never offer. Cheers! |
| (Lights fade.) | |
| © Leonard Morley 2009 | |