| (Today, Gordon is sitting alone, though there are two pints on the table. He glances off, checks | |
| his watch, drinks, checks his watch again. Arthur appears, looking dazed.) | |
| Gordon | Just about to send out a search party for you. (No response.) Hallo? (Pause.) Ar--thur! |
| Arthur | Do I seem… different… today? |
| Gordon | Different? I'd have noticed. |
| Arthur | You're sure? |
| Gordon | I mean, you'd be almost interesting. Why do you ask? |
| Arthur | I've just discovered I'm wearing Thelma's knickers. |
| Gordon | (Drawing away slightly.) Really? You're not on the turn, are you? |
| Arthur | On the turn? |
| Gordon | You know -- (He mimes one hand on hip, the other flapping effeminately.) |
| Arthur | No. No, certainly not. No, they're a complete accident. |
| Gordon | They're accidental knickers…. |
| Arthur | I wasn't completely awake this morning, when I got up… |
| Gordon | I know the feeling. Actually, I have that feeling all day. |
| Arthur | And, you know… it was dark outside… and the curtains were drawn. Thelma was still sleeping |
| and I didn't want to wake her. I just reached a hand -- as you do -- to where I thought my | |
| underpants might be, and then -- you know… | |
| Gordon | Hallo sailor. But… surely you must have noticed? |
| Arthur | Not at first, no. I just dived into them. There was this vague feeling of something not quite |
| right… | |
| Gordon | Things needed.. er -- rearranging? |
| Arthur | There was a certain amount of congestion, yes. So I went into the pub toilet just now, and |
| that's when I found out. | |
| Gordon | Shock, horror, gasp. |
| Arthur | Yes… and to make matters worse… I'd put them on backwards. |
| Gordon | So you had the --er… the -- er… the thing at the back? |
| Arthur | The word you're looking for is gusset. And yes, I did. And vice versa. |
| Gordon | So matters are now ... um… I was going to say "in hand". |
| Arthur | After I'd turned them round, so to speak, things just… you know… |
| Gordon | Fell into place. |
| Arthur | Yes. |
| Gordon | So is it a thong? |
| Arthur | I think I would have noticed straight away if it was a thong. No, it's Thelma's best pair of big |
| big pants. The Jumbo range. | |
| Gordon | Right, right... Let's have a look. |
| Arthur | Certainly not. You don't think I'm going to flash Thelma's knickers in the snug? |
| Gordon | You're not going to continue wearing them? |
| Arthur | What choice do I have? |
| Gordon | Take them off. Go without. |
| Arthur | I'm not going commando in here, Gordon, thankyou very much. Not with Quentin serving |
| behind the bar. | |
| Gordon | Oh he's harmless. Just a bit camp. |
| Arthur | He's as camp as Boy Scout Jamboree. |
| (A pause while they drink. Arthur wriggles, adjusting the knickers.) | |
| Gordon | You are sure it was an accident? |
| Arthur | What d'you mean? |
| Gordon | Nothing… Well, I was just thinking… The human mind… it's a tricky thing… suppressing |
| dark, hidden desires for years, until one morning it loses control…. Your hand reaches out… | |
| for that forbidden garment -- | |
| Arthur | That's not it at all, Gordon. |
| Gordon | You've haven't found yourself trying on Thelma's suspender belt and fishnets? |
| Arthur | Certainly not! |
| Gordon | Tottering along in four-inch heels… |
| Arthur | Let me issue a statement, Gordon… |
| Gordon | This isn't you, coming out, is it? |
| Arthur | A clarification. Apart from the current situation -- |
| Gordon | The accidental knickers, yes. |
| Arthur | Apart from them, I am not now, nor ever have been, into women's clothing. |
| Gordon | And I can quote you on that? When I ring the Sun? |
| (More wriggling on Arthur's part.) | |
| Arthur | It's a strange world… I can't make it out at all… d'you know, we were watching TV one night, |
| watching this beauty contest. Thelma was being critical of all the costumes… | |
| Gordon | … and you were trying not to say you fancied them. |
| Arthur | Yes I was. I was. Some of them were stunning. But after about twenty minutes, it dawned |
| on us that these girls weren't girls at all. They were men. | |
| Gordon | Ladyboys. |
| Arthur | But these -- these creatures -- were wearing the most revealing costumes. |
| Gordon | Of course they were. It was a beauty contest. |
| Arthur | But where do they put it all -- how do they -- where does it go? |
| Gordon | Arthur, Arthur... Don't ask. |
| Arthur | But -- but it has to go somewhere. |
| Gordon | There are some things you're far better off not knowing. |
| Arthur | I mean… what is wrong with the Universe? All these people, trying to circumvent the normal |
| recognition signals. If we can't recognise the opposite sex accurately -- where's it going | |
| to end? | |
| Gordon | You've really lead a very sheltered life, haven't you Arthur? |
| Arthur | But you don't find women walking about with a pair of M & S Y-fronts hidden under their skirts. |
| Gordon | Well, I don't know. I mean, they might be. You see women all the time in jeans and slacks… |
| men's shirts. It's only a social convention. Though I did wonder about Bridget a few years | |
| back. | |
| Arthur | Really? |
| Gordon | Well I'd found this pair of underpants in her glove compartment. |
| Arthur | Did you ask her about them? |
| Gordon | She had a perfectly innocent explanation. She'd seen them in a charity shop, and thought |
| they might make a nice birthday present for me. | |
| Arthur | Second-hand underpants. |
| Gordon | Six months in advance, mind you, and completely the wrong size. Still, her heart's in the right |
| place. | |
| Arthur | Yes… do you ever feel you let her go out on her own too much? |
| Gordon | Well you have to let them have a bit of freedom… let out the string a bit. Besides, if I started |
| issuing orders, she'd kill me. | |
| Arthur | Well, I insist on being the master in my own house. |
| Gordon | Of course you do. But we both know… Thelma wears the pants. |
| Arthur | Yes Gordon, but not today! Cheers. |
| Gordon | Here's to the Jumbo range. |
| (They drink.) | |
| © Leonard Morley 2009 |