Kate I can give you some excellent advice. How to survive on

the streets. Rule number one. (She stops and looks at him expectantly.)

Denzil Yes?

Kate Cost you a quid.

Denzil A pound?

Kate 'Swhat I said, a quid. For rule number one.

Denzil That's about all I've got left.

Kate (Almost hypnotically.) Trust me. Just trust me….

Denzil I must be mad. (He gives her his pound.) What's rule number one?

Kate (Close to his ear.) Don't never -- trust -- no-one.

(She cackles with laughter as she pockets the pound.)

Denzil Oh I see… and that's funny, is it?

Kate You said it yourself -- you must be mad.

Denzil And it doesn't trouble your conscience to con me out of my

last pound?

Kate Can't afford consciences out here. And anyway, I gave value

for money… Believe me, dearie, you follow that rule and

it'll save you countless pounds in times to come.

Denzil Thankyou for the education. (He rummages in his bag and

produces a bottle of scotch.) Perhaps you'd like to celebrate your triumph with a nip.

Kate (Staring in horror at the bottle) No!

Denzil Just to show there's no hard feelings.

Kate Put it away. Put it away!

Denzil I'm sorry. Are you -- temperance or something?

Kate No dear. Not temperance. I'm what I've always been, these

last twenty years. An alcoholic.

Denzil Oh God.

Kate We ran a pub, you see. My husband and me.

Denzil So you were really married?

Kate Oh yes…. Do something you're good at, they say. Well, we was

good at drinking, so a pub seemed like a good idea.

Denzil Is he still around?

Kate My Charlie? He's gorn, dearie, gorn years ago.

Denzil Oh, I'm sorry.

Kate Went to the surgery, he did, and picked up something nasty.

Denzil A virus?

Kate The receptionist.

(She cackles with laughter.)

Denzil Why are you laughing? He left you. He rejected you.

Kate You're a right ray of sunshine. Mind you, it weren't funny at

the time. Left me to run the pub single handed, struggling to

pay off his debts… The brewery kicked me out, but not until I'd

drunk most of the stock. That was when I first found my

Smudge, wasn't it darling? I come round from a binge one day

and there he was.

Denzil He's twenty years old?

Kate What's wrong with that? He's my friend… someone to talk to…

(Sadly.) someone to love…

Denzil I'll -- put this away. (He stows the bottle back in his bag.)

Kate So anyway… I don't drink no more. Gave it up after -- well,

after a certain incident, shall we say. How about a cuppa

instead?

(During the next speech, she takes the water-bottle,

unstoppers it, and pours into the vacuum flask cup. He

watches in horror, then takes the cup gingerly, and sips,

pulling a face.)

Kate This was my wedding dress… back when I thought Charlie was

God's gift. Oh, he was a handsome bastard! Had a way with

words. Katharine they called me, but to him I was Kate,

bonny Kate, the prettiest Kate in Christendom, Kate of Kate

Hall, his super-dainty Kate. Shakespeare, that is.

Denzil The Shrew…

Kate An' all the time, I was really Kate the curst. Running the pub

while he was getting his leg over with all and sundry.

Denzil Love is blind, they say.

Kate And there's never a guide-dog around when a girl needs one.

Denzil I'm sorry.

Kate He was a waste of space anyway. His only real talent was

flatulence.

Denzil And after that -- ?

(During the next speech, Kate goes to the litter bin and sorts

through it, coming up only with a flower -- a moth-eaten

carnation.)

Kate Went down the slippery slope in easy stages. Lived with my

sister. Thrown out. Took the cold turkey treatment. Failed.

Took in by a hostel. Thrown out for drunk and disorderly.

Lived with a bloke till my looks went. Don't look like that…

I had looks once.

Denzil I'm sure you did. Once…

Kate Gawd, you'd need an x-ray to see 'em now. Anyway… you've

got to laugh, haven't you?

Denzil I've never been able to see why you have to laugh.

Kate Because, that's why. It's a comedy, life.

Denzil No it's not. It's a tragedy.

Kate Hard to tell, until the end.

Denzil I can't remember the last time I laughed. Years ago.

Kate And you look such a jolly person…

(Denzil just looks at her straight. She offers him the tatty carnation.)

Kate Want a flower?

Denzil No!

Kate I'll have it then. (She pins the flower on her wedding dress) Don't you never have a laugh? With friends?

Denzil I don't have -- any friends.

Kate I make friends everywhere… people take to me -- I've been

told there's a certain air about me.

Denzil That's certainly true.

Kate Friends are all you really have. Like my friend Elly … she

brings me food sometimes.

Denzil You're lucky.

Kate Haven't seen her for a while. She's going through a bad patch.

One by one, all her teeth are falling out.

Denzil Oh God…. How old is she?

Kate Seven and a half.

(She looks expectantly at him, but Denzil doesn't react.)

Denzil But -- they would, wouldn't they? Fall out… at that age.

Kate Gawd you're hard work. That was a joke, stupid.

Denzil Oh I see. A joke.