Alex	Funny how life speeds by….  One minute you're courting, then suddenly
	you're doing the four o'clock  walk, with little Louise being sick down
	your back.  Fast forward a bit and you've got a teenager round the
	place, pouting and sulking and complaining she never asked to be born.
	Then before you know it, it's wedding bells, and an extended family
	just one step above pond life.  I suppose the next step is  being grand-
	parents.
Vicky	Alex….
Alex	I quite fancy being a Grandad.  A parent's job is to bring the kid up
	right.  And a Grandad's job is to lead the little bugger astray again.
Vicky	Alex listen…
Alex	Can't imagine you as a little rosy-haired, grey-cheeked old lady.
Vicky	What did you mean by that remark?
Alex	What remark?
Vicky	"Louise's innocence?".  In that peculiar tone of voice.
Alex	That was hours ago.
Vicky	I want an ess-planation.
Alex	I think you've had enough. Have another.
Vicky	I'll have another and an ess-planation.
	(Alex pours another cup.)
Vicky	Well?
Alex	Surely you don't need it spelt out.
Vicky	I'm waiting….
Alex	All right.  All right!  Our new son-in-law --
Vicky	Cretin.
Alex	Craig --  he wasn't -- the first past the post.
Vicky	You're talking in riddles.
Alex	Louise -- is not -- a virgin.
Vicky	Don't be ridiculous!
Alex	Trust me.
Vicky	That's an awful thing to say of your own daughter. How could you
	possibly know?
Alex	How could you?
Vicky	I'm her mother.  Mother's have an instinct.
Alex	Did yours?
Vicky	What's that supposed to mean?
Alex	(Leaning close.) Remember what we got up to?
Vicky	Oh my God!
Alex	When you were sweet sixteen?
Vicky	But she didn't know.
Alex	Which proves my point.  Mothers do not have an instinct.
Vicky	I don't want to think about this.
Alex	Remember the back seat of the No 26 bus?
Vicky	Thank you Alex.
Alex	We went all the way  to the terminus.
Vicky	Thank you, Alex. We'll stop it right there.
Alex	And the phone box?  Remember the telephone box?  Five gin-and-
	tonics it cost me, and worth double the price.
Vicky	I have erased it from my memory banks.
Alex	Your backside  pressed up against Button B?
Vicky	Enough!
Alex	(Closer still)  I still can't use the phone without feeling horny.
Vicky	Stop talking like this.
Alex	You used to love it when I talked dirty.
Vicky	Alex!  This is not a suitable subject for conversation.  We are divorced.
	And -- and I shouldn't be sat under a table with you of all people.
	(She scrambles up on uncertain legs, and smoothes her dress down.)
Alex	It's a very nice table.  This -- is the nicest table I have ever drunk
	champagne under.
Vicky	But I can see the way things are going, and it is not a table under which
	you are going to get into my knickers!
Alex	Which are full of confetti.
Vicky	Now will you get up and get on with it?
Alex	(Sulkily.)   I bet Donald never did it in a phone-box.  Too worried it
	would crease his suit.
Vicky	Shut up and help clear this table.
	(Alex staggers upright.)
Alex	Mother of the bride -- I may just be pissed.
Vicky	Dish-graceful.
Alex	But -- I am not too pissed to pay my plart.
	(Alex picks up a glass of water, and throws it into his own face.)
Alex	Now then…
	(During the remainder of the play, they gradually clear the tables,
	folding them at the end.)
Vicky	How do you know Louise isn't…. you know?  A thingey…  a virgin?
Alex	Forget it.
Vicky	How can I forget it?  It's out there now.
Alex	It doesn't matter.
Vicky	I want to know!
Alex	I caught them at it in the shed!
Vicky	(Open-mouthed)  And you never said?
Alex	None of us would have heard the last of it.
Vicky	Who with?
Alex	That boy down the road.
Vicky	Boy?
Alex	The one you wouldn't let her play with.
Vicky	Oh, so it's my fault?
Alex	I never said --
Vicky	How old was she?
Alex	Sixteen.
Vicky	Sixteen?   Only sixteen?
Alex	Same age you were when --
Vicky	I don't want to know!