| (Gordon is reading his paper, but Arthur is staring upwards to the skies, a far-away look in his | |
| eyes.) | |
| Gordon | You're far away… you're not in one of Thelma's trances, are you? |
| Arthur | No, no. I'm pondering. |
| Gordon | Oh yes? |
| Arthur | I'm pondering a complete change of life-style, Gordon. Packing it all in for a better life. |
| Gordon | You've won the lottery. |
| Arthur | No, no. Last night, I found myself watching one of these American religious channels. |
| Gordon | One of the evangelical things, was it? |
| Arthur | Yes. I'd just opened my bank statement, and I was feeling particularly low at the time… I suppose |
| I was in spiritual need… of comfort. And there on the TV screen, were all these people -- | |
| ordinary people like me -- coming forward -- some being healed of haemorrhoids and | |
| halitosis and so on, and others just proclaiming their beliefs. Shouting them out, really, joyously. | |
| There was a lot of gospel singing and clapping and chanting. And people promising to sell | |
| their homes and send the money to the church, and so on. I found it all inspiring -- enormously | |
| inspiring. And -- and I came to a decision that's been brewing at the back of my mind for a | |
| long time now. | |
| Gordon | You've seen the light -- answered the call. |
| Arthur | No, no. Not that. |
| Gordon | So what has it inspired you to do? |
| Arthur | I'm going to start my own religion. |
| Gordon | Why? |
| Arthur | Isn't it obvious? For the money. How else am I to get back into the black? |
| Gordon | You're not going to ask people to worship you, are you? |
| Arthur | Of course not. That would be tacky. I couldn't handle that much emotion. |
| Gordon | Just the money. So who are they going to worship? |
| Arthur | Well, every religion needs a figure-head. A strong leader, preferably dead, who can provide |
| inspiration, and yet whose written and spoken words are enigmatic and mysterious, that never | |
| quite make sense. And I believe I've found that person. | |
| Gordon | Margaret Thatcher. |
| Arthur | Yes. The cult of the Iron Lady. And all we have to do is wait for her to die. |
| Gordon | We've been waiting for that for years. |
| Arthur | She can't live forever. |
| Gordon | D'you think you could persuade people to bow down and worship her? |
| Arthur | Well -- they did at the time. |
| Gordon | True… |
| Arthur | And you and I can be the leaders of this new cult. |
| Gordon | You're cutting me in, are you? |
| Arthur | I'd be the Prophet of Thatcher, and you'd be the High Priest. |
| Gordon | What about Bridget and Thelma? |
| Arthur | I don't know… they can hardly be Vestal Virgins, can they? |
| Gordon | Or any other kind, no… |
| Arthur | No… |
| Gordon | So what would a Prophet and a High Priest have to do? |
| Arthur | I'll open the envelopes and you count the money. |
| Gordon | One for me, one for you…. |
| Arthur | Yes. |
| Gordon | Who'd do all the… you know… day to day chores? I mean, I haven't any spare time… not with |
| the allotment and so on. | |
| Arthur | Well -- we'd have acolytes, wouldn't we? |
| Gordon | That sounds like something you'd need cream for. |
| Arthur | Junior priests -- interns. |
| Gordon | So what are they going to do… these acolytes? |
| Arthur | Well, there'll be a lot of praying, obviously. |
| Gordon | To the Iron Lady in the Sky… |
| Arthur | And then they'll be encouraged to do lots and lots of -- you know. Begetting. |
| Gordon | Does that mean what I think it means? |
| Arthur | Yes. Sex. Three times a day, before meals. |
| Gordon | You can't do that. |
| Arthur | Why not? It's what they'll be praying for anyway. |
| Gordon | You think so? |
| Arthur | And then we can say that their prayers have been answered. |
| Gordon | That sounds completely cynical. |
| Arthur | Of course it is. It's religion. But instead of banning the congregation from having sex with each |
| other -- | |
| Gordon | Which they're going to do anyway. |
| Arthur | -- we'll encourage it. There'll be no guilt. |
| Gordon | The Catholics won't like that. They need sex to be forbidden. |
| Arthur | To double the pleasure, yes. But then, with our religion, there'll be no need to go to confession. |
| Gordon | Bless me Arthur, for I have sinned. |
| Arthur | And there are other advantages too, for you and me. |
| Gordon | Added bonuses are there? |
| Arthur | As Prophet and High Priest, it would be our duty to… you know… induct the new members of |
| the congregation. | |
| Gordon | Would it? Induct… What would that entail, exactly? |
| Arthur | It's much the same as begetting. |
| Gordon | How many people are we talking about here? |
| (Arthur produces his pocket calculator.) | |
| Arthur | The UK population is… say… sixty million… say twenty million are in the range of twenty to |
| fifty… assume a conversion rate of one tenth of one percent…. That's twenty thousand. | |
| Gordon | Half of whom are females. |
| Arthur | Ten thousand female converts. Half each between the two of us -- |
| Gordon | Five thousand…. I'm not sure we're up to it, Arthur. |
| Arthur | Gordon, Gordon… we wouldn't have to cope with them all at once. |
| Gordon | That's a relief. |
| Arthur | No. No, they'd be spread out -- |
| Gordon | Well I assumed they'd have to be. |
| Arthur | -- over several months. |
| Gordon | Yes, but all the same… five thousand female acolytes… over a year, say… I mean, I have |
| trouble at the moment with once a month. | |
| Arthur | Yes but you're forgetting the other ten thousand acolytes. The men. |
| Gordon | Now I definitely draw the line at them. |
| Arthur | But we're the managers of this new religion. And what do managers do? |
| Gordon | Well, as a rule, nothing. |
| Arthur | Exactly. We delegate. The men will induct the women, and vice versa. |
| Gordon | And pay for the privilege. |
| Arthur | Exactly. |
| Gordon | So basically, we extract money from gullible people by playing on their basic fears and even |
| baser instincts? | |
| Arthur | Just like a proper religion. |
| Gordon | But isn't that like living on their immoral earnings? |
| Arthur | How can it be immoral when their church blesses it? |
| Gordon | They'd have to be completely stupid to part with their money for a thing like that. They'd have |
| to be stone cold raving bonkers. | |
| Arthur | Of course. But don't forget -- these will be people who voted for Thatcher. |
| Gordon | Three times. |
| Arthur | So I think we're on a winner. Drink up. |
| Gordon | Cheers. |
| (They drink.) | |
| © Leonard Morley 2009 |