| (Gordon and Arthur are reading newspapers in the pub, when Arthur | |
| suddenly crumples his paper in disgust.) | |
| Arthur | These damn politicians. They're absolute pests. |
| Gordon | Got back in the house again, have they? Once you've got them, you'll |
| never get rid of them. | |
| Arthur | First they say one thing, then it's another. When they're confronted with their |
| incompetance, they worm and wriggle and lie. It's all bullshit! | |
| Gordon | That must have come as a tremendous shock to you. |
| Arthur | I really do think it's time for the people -- you and me -- to take back power |
| into our own hands. | |
| Gordon | Oh, here we go. |
| Arthur | Remember our dust-bin strike protest? Our triumphal march on the town |
| hall? | |
| Gordon | That was you, me and Thelma. Oh, and next door's dog. |
| Arthur | The numbers are irrelevant, Gordon. |
| Gordon | And the dog had to be dragged on its lead. |
| Arthur | It was a matter of principle. Ah, happy days… Remember dumping all our |
| rubbish on the town-hall steps? A whole weeks' collection of potato peelings | |
| and egg-shells. | |
| Gordon | Slightly spoiled by being neatly tied up in two black bags. |
| Arthur | The point is -- I made my protest. I made my voice heard. |
| Gordon | You've always been a bit of an activist. |
| Arthur | I have. |
| Gordon | The lady mayoress called you the rottweiler of local politics. |
| Arthur | Because I stood on my rights. |
| Gordon | You stood on her foot, too. |
| Arthur | One party is a bunch of corrupt and lying bastards… while the |
| other… is another bunch of corrupt and lying bastards. | |
| Gordon | Granted, but it could be worse. It could be like -- say -- China. |
| Arthur | Where they have a virtual dictatorship, with a small group of old men |
| making the decisions, and the broad mass of people having no say, | |
| and being brutally repressed if they try… | |
| Gordon | Very different from our own green and pleasant land. |
| Arthur | Yes, we have a democratic, freedom-loving society, with a two-party |
| system, both with identical policies, who behave just like the Chinese. | |
| Gordon | Well… nobody's perfect. |
| Arthur | Quite frankly, it's time for the peasantry to rise up. |
| Gordon | Yes, probably, I -- er -- where are all these peasants? |
| Arthur | People like Mrs Ledbetter in the corner shop… and you. |
| Gordon | Hadn't realised I was a peasant. |
| Arthur | You're fellow travellers… political bedfellows. |
| Gordon | I don't like the sound of that -- being in bed with someone whose last two |
| husbands died of food poisoning. | |
| Arthur | I think it's time for a political coup d'état . |
| Gordon | You believe the political climate is ripe for it, do you? |
| Arthur | I do. I'm going to start -- you know -- fomenting political rebellion. |
| Gordon | Are you? |
| Arthur | Someone has to. I think the country is fed up with this gang of incompetant |
| sponging loafers. I think they're ready for a new strongman, who can forge a | |
| path to a new era of national dominance. | |
| Gordon | Ye-es… This new strongman… any idea who that might be? |
| Arthur | The hour bringeth forth the man, Gordon. |
| Gordon | Trouble is, the last time the hour brought forth a new strongman, it was Mrs |
| Thatcher. | |
| Arthur | Well, in a case like that, I'd have to reluctantly step into the power vacuum. |
| Gordon | Yes… I don't want to be a wet blanket, Arthur, but ... I mean, you don't have a |
| lot of experience in fomenting rebellions. Or even running things. | |
| Arthur | Let me remind you, Gordon, I was second in charge of the accounts |
| department of my company. | |
| Gordon | Until they went bust. I mean, it's fairly lowly beginnings… |
| Arthur | Many world leaders had lowly beginnings. What about Idi Amin? |
| Gordon | Well, I s'pose. He was an assistant cook in the King's African Rifles -- |
| Arthur | And the next thing you know, he's Field Marshall and President of |
| Uganda. | |
| Gordon | And mass murderer. |
| Arthur | Well yes. But he had a meteoric rise. And Hitler -- he was only a corporal. And |
| he rose to become dictator of Germany. | |
| Gordon | And mass murderer. So you can see yourself leading the country? |
| Arthur | Well -- I think I'd be as well qualified as any of the current crop. All falling over |
| themselves to flip their houses and inflate their expenses. And going off on | |
| weekends with their secretaries at the taxpayers expense. All of them spouting | |
| utter bullshit on Newsnight. | |
| Gordon | I can't fault that for logic. |
| Arthur | I mean, which would you rather have -- me? Or Hazel Blears? |
| Gordon | I think I'd rather have Idi Amin. |
| Arthur | Me, a politically motivated activist, who really knows how to run an accounts |
| department? Or a tap-dancing red squirrel from Salford? | |
| Gordon | It's no contest, really. |
| Arthur | It may be that my hour is come. |
| Gordon | Like De Gaulle… and you'd head up the new government? |
| Arthur | Obviously I wouldn't thrust myself forward, but if the country decided it wanted |
| me -- as their leader -- I'd have to put personal preferences aside, and serve. | |
| Gordon | Well, you've got the bullshit all sewn up. D' you think the country would want |
| you? | |
| Arthur | If they know what's good for them. |
| Gordon | So once you've done your fomenting and you're in power, who -- er -- who'd |
| be your Chancellor of the Exchequer? | |
| Arthur | Well, Thelma's good with money. She does the weekly house-keeping accounts. |
| Gordon | And the figures always balance, do they? |
| Arthur | They wouldn't dare do otherwise. |
| Gordon | No. D'you think she could handle it? All those G-8 summits, all the meetings, |
| all the state banquets? | |
| Arthur | Well, she'd be very comfortable with the banquets, yes. Unless she was |
| baby-sitting that night. | |
| Gordon | And she could deal with all the attacks that would come her way? All the |
| enemies she'd make? | |
| Arthur | Yes. Because if anyone gave her trouble, she'd make them sit on the naughty |
| step. | |
| Gordon | Right. |
| Arthur | And if that didn't work, she'd sit on them and roll them flat. |
| Gordon | And you really think she'd be OK on TV? |
| Arthur | Why on earth not? |
| Gordon | Well… I was just thinking about -- er -- well, it’s the voice, Arthur. |
| Arthur | What about the voice? |
| Gordon | Well it's a little… it has a quality of… it's fingernails on the blackboard time. |
| Arthur | Well that hasn't done Ann Widdecombe any harm. |
| Gordon | I s'pose not. So do you see any role in your new Cabinet for me? |
| Arthur | Two words, Gordon. F - O. |
| Gordon | Well I don't think that's very nice, Arthur, telling me to F-O. |
| Arthur | No, you misunderstand…. F - O…. Foreign Office. |
| Gordon | Oh I see. Yes, but…. I mean, dealing with foreigners… not sure I'd really be |
| up to it. | |
| Arthur | Why not? |
| Gordon | I don't speak any of their languages. |
| Arthur | You've been to Brittany… and Alicante… and Wales. |
| Gordon | Yes but they all spoke English there. All except Wales. |
| Arthur | Exactly. All these foreigners will speak your language. And if they don't -- |
| Gordon | Yes? |
| Arthur | All you have to do is speak louder. |
| Gordon | Works every time, yes. |
| Arthur | And I mean… the Foreign Office. How bad could it be? You couldn't really be |
| worse than Jack Straw, now could you? | |
| Gordon | So what's the timescale on this, then? When do you start fomenting? |
| Arthur | Well I don't think we can allow the present situation to go on much longer. I mean, |
| we need to take urgent action, Gordon, and we need to take it ASAP, | |
| letting nothing stand in our way. | |
| (Gordon takes out his diary.) | |
| Gordon | You could hold your first meeting tonight. |
| Arthur | Ah no… it's skittles tonight. |
| Gordon | So it is. We'll start tomorrow, shall we? |
| Arthur | Tomorrow seems fine. |
| Gordon | Right. Another round? |
| Arthur | Here's to the revolution. |
| Gordon | And all who sail in her. Cheers! |
| (They drink up.) |